Writer bio: Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a queer-inclusive, health-informed, pleasure-inclusive, sex-positive journalist and educator whose work reflects the intersections of LGBTQ+ issues, sexual health, wellness, and pleasure. She is also the co-host of Bad in Bed a queer sex education podcast featuring the queer sex education you never got, but always deserved.
Maybe you’re exploring your sexuality and need tips on how to touch a new shape of genitals. Maybe you’re about to have sex for the very first time. Maybe your signature move hasn’t been working on your new boo.
Whatever the reason, if you're reading this it’s because you’re looking for a guide on pleasuring someone with a vagina. So let’s get right to it. Below, 6 tips for touching a vagina.
1. Take An Anatomy
In order to know what to touch, you need to know what’s what. Here, a below-the-belt anatomy 101 lesson.
Looking at your partner, you’ll see that there are two curtain-like flaps of skin that cover the treasure beneath partly or fully. These skin flaps are known as the labia. At the apex of these labia, there’s something called the external clitoris, which is a nerve-dense pleasure spot, and the clitoris hood, which covers some or all of the external clitoris.
Follow the lips down towards the anus and you’ll find yourself face-to-face with a hole. This hole is the vagina! (Everything else you’ve had the pleasure of touching and exploring thus far is technically known as the vulva). Inside the vaginal canal are a number of erogenous zones, such as the G-spot and A-spot.
Continue trekking south from the vagina and you’ll first run into the taint, which is a nerve-rich patch of skin that often responds well to pressure. Keep traveling and you’ll discover the ass-hole, which can be stimulated both externally and internally through a variety of techniques.
2. Slow Down
The biggest mistake people make when pleasuring a vagina-haver? Racing right for the vagina, not taking a second for a pit-stop at the labia, pubic mound, taint, or clit. While direct-non-stop trips may be ideal for air-travel, they rob your lover of pleasure in the bedroom.
First, give your lover’s thighs, lower belly, pubic mound, and labial lips a little attention. Light kisses, long vertical licks, and sweeping caresses work well. Your goal is to tease, not indulge fully. So don’t go instead or narrow your focus on the clitoris just yet—build anticipation.
If your partner is face down you might also take care to caress or massage their glutes and the sweet spot where the thigh meets the tush. For athletes and lifters, this can be especially pleasurable as it helps release tension that’s accumulated during training. Just sayin!
3. Circle The Clitoris
When your partner starts to ask for more, or responds enthusiastically when you ask if they want more, you might take the time to tease their clit and clitoral hood. Both of these erogenous zones will begin to fill with blood when your partner is aroused, and therefore will start to look more swollen and engorged when they’re ready to be made love to.
Depending on the size and shape of your partner’s clit and labia, you may need to use your fingers to spread the lips and expose the clit. You may also need to pull up on the clitoral hood, in order to fully expose the clit.
Once you locate the hot-spot, give it some love. Start by circulating the nub, using minimal pressure. Increase the pressure s-l-o-w-l-y, until your partner expresses that you’re doing something that feels good. You could also ask, “Do you want it softer or harder?” or “How does this feel?”.
When they’re ready for direct external clitoral contact, make sure your fingers are lubed up. If your partner has produced enough natural lubrication that it’s leaked out onto your fingertips, great. Otherwise, add a dollop of lube to your fingertips. (If you don’t have lube, you *can* use spit, just keep in mind that spit can be drying so you’ll have to keep spitting).
Then, experiment with windshield-wipering your finger side-to-side. You can also try tapping, pressing, circulating, and vibrating the pleasure-nub.
4. Explore The Internal Hot-spots
Not every vagina-owner enjoys penetrative play. So wait until you get the greenlight to venture inward before beginning your expedition.
As a general rule, you want to start slow, and be sure to begin with a small penetrative tool. Yep, even if your shared goal is to have P-in-V intercourse or strap-on sex, be sure to start with a finger (or very slim dildo or wand). Slick the implement with lubricant, then slowly insert it inside the receiver's body.
Once inside, explore. Start by staying shallow, slightly pressing your finger (or toy) against the front vaginal wall. Some vagina-owners have sensitive G-spots, which will be stimulated by this action. If they enjoy that sensation, stay there. Otherwise, go deeper.
There are two pleasure zones deeper into the canal: The A-spot and the C-spot (the cervix). Both of these spots respond well to consistent pressure. So rather than jack-hammering in and out, try staying put and applying gentle, rhythmic pressure to the spot. Trust, when something feels good your partner’s body language will let you know.
5. Add In A Toy
Sex toys are designed to provide stimulation at speeds, insensitive, and consistencies that the human body is physically not able to provide. So why not add a sex toy into your play and give your partner the joy of novelty?
In addition to introducing new sensations into the bedroom, sex toys can also free up your hands and/or mouth for other types of play. Fun!
If your partner enjoys receiving oral sex consider incorporating an air suction toy like the Little Sucker ($30, Buy it). When paired with store-bought lubricant, the Little Sucker is able to provide a sensation similar to that of cunnilingus. You might have your partner hold it against their clit while you eat their ass. Or, maybe you hold it against their clit during 69-ing if you tend to get distracted during the mutual-oral position.
Another option would be to use the Bounce Vibe ($56, Buy it). Bounce Vibe's thrusting and vibrating modes can be used to easily stimulating the G-Spot. You could use the the toy to stimulate your partner's vagina while you suckle their external clit. Or, you could have them use it to tease their nipples while you go to town downtown.
6. Remember: All Vaginas Are Different
Kudos to you for choosing to educate yourself about the different ways to pleasure someone with a vagina. The fact that you’ve read this far shows that you’re a self-less, conscientious, and caring lover.
But here’s the thing: While there are some general tips you can use about how to touch a vagina, there are no one-size-fits-all rules for genitals. Every vagina is different, and the way every vagina-owner likes to be stroked, sucked, and suckled.
Your move: Incorporate what you’ve learned here. But be sure to talk to your vagina-owning partner about what they want. After all, no article can replace the information you’ll gather from an in-person communication.
